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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Just Call Me Grace!

Do you want to hear something funny?  Well, it’s not funny to me yet, because I know I am going to ache even worse tomorrow, but it will be funny eventually.   I fell flat on my face today, well actually I caught myself with my left hand, right elbow, and right knee, but I was face down on the concrete!  I had just dropped Drama Queen off at art lessons with our sweet friend, Mia, and was walking back to my van when I tripped on the concrete pad where I was parked, and as they say “I hit the dirt”.  Except it wasn’t dirt, Nooo, I had to fall on concrete.

Let me tell you, I was in shock, I don’t think I have fallen like that since I was a kid, except maybe when I was roller skating with the kids. I laid there for a couple of seconds not believing what had just happened, and trying to assess if anything was broken or seriously hurt beside my pride!  It’s amazing what can go through your mind in such a short amount of time, I was just thinking how glad I was that no one had witnessed my lovely escapade, when out runs Mia, her husband, and Drama Queen.  They had seen the whole thing through the kitchen window, wouldn’t you know it?  Of course they were very concerned that I might be injured, so I sat up as quickly as I could to assure them that “No, really, I’m just fine!

After repeatedly reassuring them that I really was O.K., I got in my van to run my errands and left.  When I got to my destination, I got out of the van and that’s when I realized, I am going to be sore tomorrow!  My hand, knee, and elbow that caught my fall were already beginning to ache, and some muscles I didn’t even know existed were aching also. 

They strange thing is, I still can’t believe it happened, even though my body is reminding me that it did.   It was so surreal, one of those events that when you see it happen to someone else you run over to make sure they’re O.K. and to see if you can help, but you never think it’s going to happen to you.  Oh well, someday it will just be a funny anecdote to tell.  In the meantime, just call me Grace!

Have a great night!

Love, Velvia

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The Bible According to Kids

This is hilarious!  A friend sent me this by email and I had to share it.  I don’t know who the original author is so I can’t give credit to her, but this was too cute not to pass on:
 

The following is from a lady in Oregon.  It is priceless!  The Bible as explained by kids – truth has been redefined! One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church.
We try to do more than baby-sit our church’s beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility.

We aim to give them a solid background in Biblical history.  At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned.  This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses.   In case you’re a little foggy on your Biblical history, let our junior church students help you with his complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start,
there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that.  Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.

Then God made the world.  He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.  Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
 
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Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother
as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.   One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.   
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
 
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Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then He gave them His top ten commandments.  These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I’m not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President).  Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
 
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One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua, who was the first
Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.   After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise,  but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.  
 
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After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.   There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
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After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of the New Testament.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, Close the door!  Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
************************************************During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him,
 
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Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius, the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.
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Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold  in the book of Revolution.

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Time Marches On, Across My Face!

Just when I’ve started to feel really comfortable in my own skin, I look in the mirror and I’m not me anymore!   I wonder who that middle-aged woman is staring back at me.  Surely that’s not me, I mean she has crow’s feet around her eyes, smile lines around her mouth, and if it’s time for a visit from Ms. Clairol, gray roots!  Someone has tampered with my mirror, that has to be it!

Granted, there are mornings when I get out of bed and I have a new ache here and there, but my mind still feels like it’s 19.  O.K., maybe that’s stretching it just a bit, but I certainly don’t feel 47.  I can remember when I used to think thirty was old, now eighty seems pretty young to me. 

I’ve been corresponding by email with a friend from high school who’s helping plan our 30th reunion.   I think she must be confused,  we can’t possibly have graduated thirty years ago,  ten maybe, but certainly not thirty.  Maybe I’ll email her again and ask her to double check the dates. 

 Ah well, time marches on, and as Dolly Parton’s character Truvy in Steel Magnolias said, “it usually marches across your face.”   It’s definitely marching across mine, in fact, it seems to be stampeding like a herd of buffalo. 

I find some consolation in the fact that as we grow older, we gain wisdom, I just wish I could remember what I’m supposed to do with it!

Disclaimer:  I am writing this post past my bedtime, so I’m punchy and not responsible for this foolishness!

Have a great and blessed Sunday!

Love, Velvia  

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